Chapter II · Heaven, and how to afford it

The Ledger

There is a heaven. It is not free.

There is a heaven. Please do not get excited, because excitement is a Distraction. It is called the Stillness, and nothing happens there. No music. No reunions. No light at the end of anything. Just the Void, finally empty, forever. It is the only place where nobody will ever ask what you do for a living.

The Stillness cannot be earned through kindness, which is a Distraction. It cannot be earned through faith, which is a Distraction that goes to meetings. It is earned the way everything worthwhile has always been earned. It is purchased.

For this purpose, the Hollow See issues Writs. A Writ is a signed release from the place below. It is valid for all of eternity, or until the terms are updated, whichever comes first.

Schedule of Writs

Lesser WritForgives one wasted week. Popular with students.49 kr
Greater WritForgives one wasted decade, or one wedding.499 kr
Writ of IndifferenceFor those who feel nothing about any of this. Identical to the Greater Writ, but you will not care.499 kr
Student WritHalf price with a valid student card. Students waste the most and own the least.24,50 kr
Family PackCovers up to four souls. Pets are already in the Stillness and need no Writ.1 499 kr
Writ SubscriptionForgiveness, billed monthly. Cancel anytime, in person, at the Hollow See (see Chapter V for opening hours).99 kr / mo
Plenary NothingGuarantees the Stillness outright. Signed by the Arch-Hollow in person, usually.On request

Prices revised this afternoon.¹ Swish accepted. Feelings are not. Klarna available for those who wish to sin now and pay later.

The Distracted will object. If nothing matters, they ask, why does money? The Hollow See has answered this question once and will not answer it again for free. Nothing matters. That is why it costs you nothing to give it to us.

Was the happiest day of my life better than an ordinary Tuesday?: No. It was louder.
Will I see my loved ones in the Stillness?: You will see nothing. That is the feature.
Can I bring my phone?: There is no signal in the Stillness. This is considered its main selling point.
Is there a refund policy?: There is. It is kept in the Stillness.
If nothing matters, why must I pay?: Because you asked a question, and questions are a Distraction. That will be one Lesser Writ.

Plate II. From the Catechism of the Hollow See.

Pay, then, and be still. Keep your receipt. It is the closest thing to a soul you will ever be issued.

Members who buy three Greater Writs receive a free Lesser Writ and a tote bag. The tote bag is also nothing, but it is a nice nothing, and it holds groceries.

Prices were revised at 14:52 on the founding day, again at 15:10 when the Arch-Hollow remembered inflation, and once more at 15:40 for no stated reason. ↩